


Lil' happy, lil' sad

by Half_Fallen



Series: Crossfire [2]
Category: Icerde - TV Series, icerde
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, brief - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 15:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_Fallen/pseuds/Half_Fallen
Summary: Mert feels like the biggest moron in the universe. He should have never got involved with Sarp. He should've kept it a secret, get over it, not think about it. Instead he stepped over everything Celal baba taught him. Only because of a fucking man. Only because of Sarp.





	Lil' happy, lil' sad

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! The second piece of work in this fandom I love so much.  
> I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> Have some Sarmer and Merry Christmas!

Mert is angry. Hell, he is fucking furious. He feels sick and tired and helpless and he fucking hates it!

And it's all because of that idiot Sarp.

That idiot who simply cannot keep his hands to himself.

If it hadn't been for him following Handan, he probably would have never found out about Sarp's wonderful lunch with her. 

Mert huffs angrily, laughing to himself. What is this guy's problem? 

He pulls over and slams his foot on the brakes, punching the steering wheel with both hands. 

He screams. Then laughs. Then puts both hands over his head and stands unmoving. There is nothing on his head expect for the throbbing ache and the sour taste of something he cannot yet put his finger on. 

Sarp is cheating on him. Yeah, that's what it tastes like.

His eyes water and he rubs them hastily, because Mert Karadag cannot cry. No, he cannot allow himself to lose his mind this way.

Instead he goes home to his almost empty apartment, puts on some loud music, gathers all the liquor he can find and loses his mind properly in the comfort of his home.

What does Handan have more than him anyways? A pair of stupid blue eyes, a thin waist, long hair and sharp cheekbones, she's witty and feminine and every other thing Mert isn't.

Mert feels like the biggest moron in the universe. He should have never got involved with Sarp. He should've kept it a secret, get over it, not think about it. Instead he stepped over everything Celal baba taught him. Only because of a fucking man. Only because of Sarp.

He knows he should do something about this, maybe talk with someone about it. Instead he drains another glass, and three others after that until there is nothing left in the bottle.

He feels like shit in the morning. 

Celal baba getting arrested makes it worse.

*

Mert comes at him with a facial expression Sarp has never seen in his life. It's something Sarp cannot quite place, like it is beyond their 'good cop-bad guy' show they put on. It almost looks like Mert really means it.

*

When Sarp finally gets out of prison, Mert finds an excuse to leave work. He cannot deal with him or Celal baba or anyone right now. He even ignores Melek's numerous calls until she eventually gives up.

He looks like shit, even Musa has pointed that out the day before. His hair is unwashed, his eyes are red, surrounded by black circles and he's pale like he hasn't eaten in days. 

Which he hasn't.

His day goes by uneventful, Celal baba doesn't even call him to tell him he got out. Why should he? He only calls Mert when he needs him. They all do.

 

At some point Mert turns off his phone and slams it in some corner. Why should he care about others if no one cares about him?

He gets up from the couch to make himself a black coffee, adding extra whiskey and moving to the window. It is already dark and Mert sees no point in closing the blinds. It's not like he'll sleep tonight anyways.

He turns to move to the couch again when he hears a weird noise. Lowering the cup very slowly to the table, he walks backwards taking the gun from the back of the counter and hiding behind the wall.

The door opens and Mert quickly advances up front slamming the dark figure to the wall and pointing the gun to his head.

“Whoa, if I had known you'd miss me so much I would have come earlier.” A deep voice says and Mert stops dead in his tracks. He lowers his gun.

“Sarp, what the hell are you doing here?” Mert moves away as if he was burnt, turning his back and putting the gun back in its place. Walking slowly, he takes the mug from the table and takes a sip. 

“What, no welcome kiss?” Sarp asks softly, taking a step forward to Mert. “I missed you.”

Mert doesn't talk, instead he takes another sip looking interested in something Sarp cannot see from where he's standing. It is way too dark to see anything, anyways.

“Yeah… about that!” Mert says, finally turning to face him. “Just how much did you miss me, huh?” 

Sarp looks at him, something unreadable in his eyes. “Mert, what's all this about?”

“Just answer me.” Mert says moving forward until he is merely inches apart from Sarp. “How much did you fucking miss me?”

“Mert, what is all this for?”

“Oh, you should know!”

“Mert, I'm not getting you man. Is it about getting in prison?" Mert looks furious.

"It is not about the fucking prison! I don't care about the prison. But you might as well explain to me what did Handan want from you the day before prison." Mert spits out and Sarp can finally see what this is all about.

"Are you jealous?" Mert turns red. This was the by far the worst choice of words Sarp has ever done in his life.

"You tell me, Sarp. Should I be jealous?" 

"Look, man. It was nothing. I was just-"

"You were just what? Helping her with the wine choice. Are you suddenly a wine expert Sarp? Are you interested in her?" Mert raises his voice coming even closer.

"Mert, let me explain!"

"No, I won't let you fucking explain. I know what you are going to say. I just don't see why you came here when you could have been spending time with her. Having dinner maybe! Honestly, you could've just texted me and called this over! You know what? You can have Handan all you want. I'm sure Selim is free tomorrow afternoon." Something snaps inside Sarp.

"Who?" He asks, his vision turning red.

"Oh, you know, Selim the tall guy that works with me. I'm sure he'll be interested in my company. I'm sure as hell he won't ditch me to have lunch with mafia women."  Mert spits out.

"You're fucking mine!" Sarp shouts slamming Mert to the wall, breathing harshly.

"No, I am not!" Mert pushes back with all the power left in him. "I'm tired of being pushed around by you. If you want this to be over you can just fucking say it!"

"It's not like that!" Sarp shouts.

"Then what is it like, Sarp? Huh? Is it perhaps the fact that you simply do not care about me anymore? Am not enough for you?" That's when his voice finally breaks. 

Sarp can see as Mert's confidence crashes to tiny pieces. He notices his disheveled hair, his bloodshot eyes and the numerous bottles of alcohol all over the place.

"You simply don't get it, do you?" Sarp says as Mert lowers his head.

"What should I get?" He asks, half-heartedly waiting for the truth he already knew. Sarp is leaving him, just like everybody else.

"Mert look at me!" One hand grabs his chin and the other wraps around the back of his head. "I'm only into you. There is no one else. There will never be anyone else. Why can't you understand that I love you and no one and nothing will change that?" 

"Sarp-" Mert starts wanting to get away, because he cannot do any of this right now. Not with a heavy heart and watery eyes.

"No, look at me! It's nothing, she is nothing to me but some fucking job I was given to get information. I don't like women, Mert. Hell, I don't even like anyone else expect for you. You are all I see and all I think of, Mert."

"Sarp-"

"She is nothing compared to you. Not Handan, not Melek, no one. No one but you. When will you put that into that thick skull of yours?" Sarp wraps his arms around Mert as he clutches into his shirt and starts crying freely, hiding his face in the crook of Sarp's neck.

"I am never going to leave you. Never! Even if you wanted me too." Now Mert turns to look at him, a smile stretching over his puffy, tear streaked face.

"You know that calls for a restraining order, right?" Sarp laughs.

"You've taken me to prison many times. What's one more?"

"Idiot!" Mert laughs as Sarp holds him tighter.

He holds Mert until dawn.

Mert wakes up to the smell of breakfast and coffee.

He runs a hand over his face, sighing as he gets up and makes his way to the kitchen.

He finds Sarp behind the counter cooking eggs and sujuk with a pleasant smile on his face.

"Morning." Mert mumbles wrapping his arms around Sarp and resting his chin on Sarp's shoulder.

"Aşkim! I made breakfast. There was nothing on the fridge so I had to go grocery shopping really quick, but I managed to save the day. You really need to start doing your own grocery shopping though, a grown man should eat healthy."

"Uh-huh, I should. But I like it better when you do it for me." Mert says, closing his eyes and breathing deeply into Sarp's neck.

He feels that things are going to be ok. At least for now.

*

It all crumbles to ashes once Kudret finds out about his true identity.

It's a confusing state actually. Mert has in total three moods; angry, furious, and hysterically laughing. As days go by, Mert closes up in himself, his paranoia becomes his second nature to the point where he can hardly sleep at night. He cannot help but think, think, think and overthink again and again each and every move he has made since he started all this. Yusuf's own paranoia does not help him the slightest.

He is running out of time. He needs a way out. Something, anything. It feels like he is surrounded by walls and they are closing up on him. 

Mert Karadag is suffocating and there is no one there to help him.

This behavior does not do unnoticed by Sarp, who cannot seem to find reason behind Mert's mood swings and the dark circles under his eyes. He believes it has to do with work, because their profession is stressful, but there is only so much stress you can have from work and Mert's state does not add up.

He does notice one thing though. Mert does not eat when he is stressed.

At first, he passed it as something normal. Mert is a healthy grown up man, living an active life and training regularly. So, what if he skips a meal every now and then?

But a meal has become two and two have become more and Mert has come to the point where he's hardly eating anything at all. After relating it with all the past experiences Sarp can think of, he comes to conclusions that this is about control.

Mert uses starvation as a way to control.

Although he doesn't understand it completely, Sarp knows this should stop as soon as possible. And he will do everything within his power to make it stop.

He starts by cooking him breakfast, lunch and dinner and when Mert refuses to eat any of those relying only on coffee and small snacks Sarp understands that there are far more things to fix than what he originally thought. 

So, Sarp, a man known for his conversational skills, tries talking the situation out with Mert. (Needless to say it ends horribly wrong.)

"I know what you're doing." Sarp says, looking Mert in the eyes.

"What is it that I'm doing Sarp? Please do enlighten my pathetic being with your knowledge, oh Sarp almighty!" Mert retorts, rolling his eyes and checking his phone yet another time.

"You aren't eating my meals, Mert."

"Perhaps you're not a good cook, Sarp." Mert says again, the same monotony remaining in his voice.

"In fact, sevgi, you're hardly eating anything at all and that frankly bothers me. It has been three days, Mert." Mert's eyes widen and he lowers his phone down while trying to keep a straight face.

"I know why you do it." 

"You don't know shit!" Mert's mind starts running a mile a minute, his lungs suddenly feel strained in his chest and he gets up from the couch and starts moving around the room. He feels exposed. Does Sarp know? 

"Yes, Mert, I do know shit." His breath hitches in his throat. What exactly does he know? Who else knows? "I know this is about control. Believe me, whatever it is you're going through, we can work it together." Sarp says softly, staring at Mert pace the room.  _What?_

"We aren't going to work anything together, because there is nothing to work on. I'm fine."

"Mert-"

"Don't!" Mert raises his voice, "I don't want to hear it. I am fine, you are fine, we are fine. It's all fine. Everything is fine!"  _But it's not. It's not fine. Nothing is fine._

Mert keeps pacing the room as Sarp watches him closely. His heart throbs violently in his chest as he sees his lover in such state. There is only one way Mert will listen to him.

"What are you up to?" Mert says, entering the room. Sarp rises his head from the couch just to look at Mert and then lets it fall again closing his eyes.

"I don't know what you mean." He mumbles draping an arm over his face.

"There is no food on the fridge and you aren't cooking. You haven't left home all day, so there's no way you went out to eat. What do you think you're doing?" Mert asks, sighing. He feels tired and defeated and now Sarp is sprawled on his couch. He can hear his stomach rumbling.

"I'm not hungry." Sarp retorts.

"Bullshit! I can hear your stomach all the way to the bathroom." Sarp opens one eyes to look at Mert pointedly. "That's not humanly possible."

"Sarp, stop being a dick. I'm being serious over here."

"So am I. You love my dick." Sarp starts laughing and Mert gags, hitting him in the arm.

 

Sarp catches his fist and pulls Mert towards him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight.

"Sarp, let go. You're crushing me!" Mert gasps, laughing as he struggles to get free.

"Not until you say we're going out for dinner." Sarp says wrapping his legs around Mert and causing him to lose balance, now being supported entirely by Sarp.

"S-Sarp," Mert tries again, laughing so hard he finds it difficult to speak, "Let me go, man."

"We're going out for dinner, or I'm not letting you go." Mert continues struggling, laughing so hard he finds it hard to breathe.

"You have ten seconds to decide. Ten, nine, eight..."

"Sarp!"

"Seven, six, five..."

"Ok, ok. We're going to dinner, let me go now." Mert says, finally giving up and Sarp lets go of him. When Mert gets up and looks at him, Sarp is smiling so brightly that he regrets not having done this earlier.

"Eveeeet! We're going on a date! Where are you taking me aşkim?" He looks so young and carefree on those moments that Mert forgets about Kudret or Yusuf or Celal baba. Suddenly nothing matters anymore, because Sarp is here and Sarp cares.

There is only one thing he knows for sure. 

Sarp will never leave him.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism makes my day! ;) <3


End file.
